I AM NOT THE ONE WRITING WHAT I AM WRITING

I mostly feel that way, while I am revising what I have put on paper. It is a process of recognition, getting to know the stranger inside me. There are moments when I find myself in conflict: I would easily give credit for the fact that I am not the one who has written all these, if I did not know that was my own notebook or my own pen in front of me.   

In order to experience this illusion more frequently, I sometimes spend some time away from the short essay or poem I have written, before revising them. Then I go back to those old scribbles of mine, and find myself traveling in time. That is when I try hard to convince myself, “You are surely the one who has written all these.” Those who write often will recognize this emotion and will understand what I mean by this. Let me give you an example on the subject.  

Please assume that you have listened to a song on the radio and that song has either made you feel gloomy or happy. Is what makes you gloomy or happy the song, or the radio itself? Is that song the outcome of the radio? Did the radio write the melody or lyrics of that song? The radio is nothing but a mediator between you and the song. However, unless a transmitter gives out a signal, no radio will function properly. 

Signals sent by a transmitter are everywhere. However, only the receivers are the ones who may transmit them. The radio does not give too much effort to find the signals. The talent lies not in finding the signals, but in being the radio. 

And being a radio is a gift, in terms of being a writer, simply because you have the ability to find and transmit those signals. That is why I never regard my writing skills as a super talent. I am only someone who simply expresses the sound waves I receive through special frequencies, and who puts them into words. I am nothing but a simple conveyor, in that sense. 

If you let me give you a small secret, I may easily tell you that those who feel too proud and arrogant because they write well will lose the strength of the sound frequencies in time. That is because arrogance makes you lose the awareness that your gift is priceless. That is the moment when your sound begins to jam.  

DOES THE WISE SPEAK ?

Do the wise people speak or stay silent? The talkative ones are those who prefer to copy and paste the shared knowledge or experiences that belong to the wise ones, who have reached that knowledge or experience through meditation and contemplation. The truly wise ones who have been through that meditation do not prefer to speak. 

The bold mind, who has dared release the knowledge out of the mines and out of the depths of their inner selves, may have a thousand things to tell, but still prefer to keep silent. The “Truly Wise” does not burn with the desire of advertising how wise they are and how much they know.  

The one who “Knows What is Taught”, simply speaks and speaks, in order to maintain the image of being the wise one. They say it is necessary to keep silent in order to listen. In fact, keeping silent is not necessary to listen, it is utterly necessary to be “Truly Wise”. 

LOSING IS WINNING

In fact, one should not feel too much pressure on themselves in case they are losing. There are cases when losses become necessary. That is because at the moment when you are losing, your loss may serve as a reward or a  blessing for somebody else somewhere else. It is a virtue to let others get their own share, and the reward will definitely come afterwards. 

You do not want to lose what you have, you keep on fighting for it, despite the awareness that what you have in your hand is sliding through your fingers. In fact, you should let things go, let them grow less, and wait for the rewards to come right afterwards. Feel the lightness of accepting this as it is. 

This is an ability only possessed by those who do not believe to have gained what they have through luck. Those are the ones who do not have fear losing because they know how to gain it once they lose it.   

However, if a person has gained something only through their fortune, s/he will burn with the fear and anxiety of losing it. This is a test they need to go through. And this is the reason why they have been granted that gift, under the title of good luck. 

Those who do not fear losing are the ones who mostly win. Some people take it as a bluff, but they are wrong. Those who know themselves are the ones who walk towards a gunshot, just like an immortal being would do. They know that even if they are killed, they will resurrect, and whomever kills them will commit suicide out of despair. They will only stare, while the killer, that ignorant fool who dared do this to them, kills himself. Only ignorance would be an explanation to such boldness, anyway. 

Burning in wild flames and dazing the onlooker is rather impressive, but the impression created by those who are born again after being burnt down, after turning into ashes is much more amazing and long-lasting. Therefore, I never fear being burnt down. On the contrary, the ability to create myself once more out of my ashes gives me the chance to live more than one life in a lifetime. 

EVEN IF THE FATHER IS QUASİMADO

Abortion is an end, but a beginning at the same time. That is because a woman begins a totally new life when she goes through the experience of having an abortion. No matter if she is aware of it or not, abortion leads to a severe trauma for her.

There may be a series of reasons why a woman has an abortion, such as the way she got pregnant, the identity of the father, whether he is married or not, the woman's financial status, the number of children she already has, and her age. No matter what the excuse is, the fetus that is ripped out of the womb is not ripped out of the soul as easily as one can imagine. Unfortunately. 

Although the life span of the living organism is ended before it starts, naming this as murder would be a harsh statement to make. However, we still cannot regard abortion as a simple operation such as a dental or aesthetic surgery. One is mistaken if she believes this is her body and totally her decision, because of the fact that she is about to give up a part of her body as the result of such an operation. 

When she decides to have an abortion, the woman is about to give up the alternative of the existence of a living thing, whose nutrition and protection she is responsible for. Deep down, all women feel the holiness of being able to give birth, and tries hard to convince herself to give up this duty with the necessary logical way of thinking and justifying the process. 

In case this process of justification is not supported by social acceptation, then the woman finds herself in a jurisdiction where her own conscience is charged. This will lead to her eating herself up, so severely. 

I am not about to discuss whether abortion is legitimate or not. Whomever goes through this experience, all women and couples that live through this, will already question their conscience throughout their lives. That fetus will visit their lives from time to time, just like a tide visits the sea in certain intervals. 

There come difficult moments and difficult decisions to make. These are heavy burdens for the soul. These decisions harm the soul, while the soul is damaged by the waves that beat the rocks. These decisions are irreversible, they are made out of one option, in the absence of an alternative decision to make. 

As a man, I am reluctant to accept abortion under one condition: in case the man, who is the biological father of the baby, is left unaware of the decision and the pregnancy and in case the decision is made without taking his opinion or advice. 

For married women, it goes without saying that it is impossible to have an abortion without the legal permission of the husband, although there are some doctors who agree to violate this rule in certain cases. I believe this is the worst and the most evil thing a woman can do to a man. A woman cannot make this decision without ketting the man know. If she does this all alone, this is the biggest sin she can ever commit in a lifetime. 

The living organism that is executed and ripped out of her body is so small that the woman is unable to feel the difference. However, the feeling of guilt is there to stay. 

Maybe it is not expressed in words. However, the feeling of guilt begins to reside within the layers of the mind. No matter if the woman is right or wrong.

In case she has ended the life of the fetus believing that the man would not want it, then that man is not loved anymore. An involuntary relationship will end, in one way or the other. The woman then takes revenge, by deciding to have an abortion, either from the man or from herself. This still does not end the harsh process of questioning that goes on in her conscience. 

A woman who has an abortion for once finds it really difficult to lie down and have another one for the second time. In case she was mistaken the first time, she feels reluctant to express and confess the fact that she was mistaken, but she still cannot have the abortion for the second time. Even if the father of the baby is Quasimodo himself.

ZERO EGO: THERE IS NO SUCH THING

I have never been fond of sentences or paragraphs that begin with “It was a fine morning.” I have never found them sincere. Each and every morning that reaches the sun through the dark night is fine, only if the eye can see. 

Another similar statement is “He was a very honest man.” This means that the man is not only honest, but also “very” honest. Could anyone please explain to me how we can measure honesty by adjectives like little or very? A man is either honest or not. There is no extent to it. We are living through many semantical complexities similar to this one. We have to. 

Just imagine everyone in the world is transparent and flawless like water, and everyone views the world with the perspective of a philosopher. Or just imagine a forest where all the living things are nothing but lions or antelopes. I guess no documentary films would be produced. 

We all lie to one single person, without giving it up, without even knowing it, or on no purpose. Although we avoid telling lies to many others, we never hesitate when lying to that very person. That single person is ourselves. Unfortunately. The only person who harms us the most is our only self. 

It is still very difficult to explain what the source that gives energy to the world to spin around actually is, but while humanity evolves with a fast speed both technologically and scientifically, it is growing more and more primitive in terms of humane principles. The main reason behind this is the “Ego”. Then, could we say that the ideal environment to live is a society where no one is under the control of their own Ego? 

I cannot even visualize it: A society without any ego. If such a society existed, I guess the primary concepts which we would directly lack and which would directly change our living standards would be arts and science. 

You may easily proceed your thoughts into visualizing that many other concepts will also disappear. However, the only way to figure out the importance of the existence of the ego is to imagine the lack of art and science. The source of inspiration for great inventions, great compositions, and great works of literature are all the ego. 

Even in Mesnevi, a masterpiece of poetry written by the great philosopher Mevlana, you may find a secret ego, although the writer eliminated his own ego and even turned it into a slave. Even when he humbly presented the Creator the enormous love of the Created, there partly exists an ego. In fact, what the Created desires to achieve in return for this presentation is the possibility to be loved more by the Creator. 

Loving itself embodies a type of ego that expects to be loved by the loved one. Please try and imagine a person who leads their life with no ego at all. Could it be possible, anyway?

BEAUTY: A BLESSING OR A CURSE ?

     

    Among the years, standards of beauty have always gone through change. However, the positive and negative effects of being beautiful has not changed for the most part throughout history. They claim that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but the outcomes may not be that way. 

    

    When beauty is combined with intelligence, knowledge and talent, it presents the whole world some heroines such as Hurrem Sultan or Josephine, just like enormous statues. They are the ones who are able to change the course of history. For those heroines, beauty is only a ticket to set off the road. It does not serve as a ticket for the whole journey.

    

     Next, intelligence serves as a ticket, and it gives them the chance to travel all the way down from the North Pole to the South Pole. Next, there are the ones who suffer from the heavy burden of beauty. Even if they have the chance to start the journey, once they set off, there is something awkward about their credibility. Brands are right there to help them, and they try to make up for their deficiencies by using expensive purses, jewelry, clothes and perfumes.

   

    The luxury to open up new paths by the help of their beauties refrain these people from personal development and cultural growth. The beautiful ones are those who achieve success much more easily with their beauty, especially when compared to the ones who obtain similar achievements through many hardships or exams. That is why the beautiful does not need to equip themselves with extra cultural assets.

   

      In time, beauty turns into a fear they are not aware of. Losing their beauty is like losing their existence, so they try hard to make it live on, since they desire to keep on existing. When they grow old, beautiful people neither find comfort nor feel nostalgic upon seeing their old photos. They silently suffer in pain, just like those who have lost their fortunes. 

   

    They find true love very rarely when they are young. Since they are highly admired and adored, it is difficult for them to realize the one who truly loves. They choose not the one who relates to their soul, but the one who praises their beauty the most. 

   

     Although being present in all circles of life, beautiful people are lonely. The beauty they have, which they believe to have been granted to them as a gift, are in the eyes of the admirers. However, this very beauty turns into a punishment, although they may not be aware of it.

KNOWING IS A CRIME

When we go through an emotional breakdown caused by a heartbreak, does this ever have another reason apart from feeling humiliated by the one we love? Some feelings, however mature you may be, may easily tear you down. If you are a bat, during the day you can not hunt. You know that, for you, the day is the night.

When a person cannot truly analyze oneself, how can s/he know which is better: to hunt during the day or night? In case they see a man diving into the sea with a suit, everyone makes the same comment: “I guess he will commit suicide.” This is the position we put ourselves in, this is how ridiculous we may seem in a relationship. Without knowing we are actually a bat, we look for prey during the day. Or we try to dive into water and get used to getting cold inside with a suit on us. 

In a life led in herds, where the funny and contradictory events are abundant, how can the uniqueness of a single person affect the world? The only effect created, may be, the development of one’s own self.

Knowing is a crime; in case you have an obsession for teaching lessons or in case you have an ego. However, if you regard yourself as a deep well, and your knowledge as the water inside, someone will come up and benefit from it, to the extent of the rope they have or how thirsty they are inside. 

Irreparable Ruins

A disaster is now taking place. Although the reasons why it is taking place are not related to any crime committed by humanity, although it might seem as a natural one, the worldly test we are going through in the aftermath of that disaster has made it possible for us to face some unexpected facts.

In fact, earthquakes are events that are as natural as the wind or the rain. However, what is left behind is not natural at all. A common emotional state is shared by those who have been there during that terrible event, and who have actually survived. And this emotional state leads to different reactions depending on how badly it hurt. 

        
Earthquake is a living thing. It may even be viewed as a creature. He is fast asleep under the depths of the earth, and if he ever decides to come onto the surface, he does that rather cruelly. He has neither mercy nor sensibility. He only destroys, oppresses, leaves you helpless, leaves you desperate, makes you await in darkness and thirst with little hope. And once you see the sunshine once more hours or maybe days later, he lets you face resurrection. 

       
The Earthquake does not permit those who are left behind to mourn for the lost ones right after. An injured man is not allowed to mourn for his lost wife, while waiting for his children to be saved from under the ruins. Either death or the breath: the man desires to find one. And once he finds it, he is either tied to his own life with tighter bonds, or is completely ruined.

As he tries hard to lift the bricks and stones with his fingers covered with blood, he has this one prayer echoing inside, repeatedly, even unconsciously: 'God, please bless my loved ones. Bless my loved ones, give them back to me. Give them back to me.”  Yes. A blessing.

What kind of crime has a man committed, to ask for a blessing at that very moment? Although the earthquake has never been a punishment given for a crime, it usually gives the survivors a bizarre feeling of guilt.

How dramatic are those first hours right after the disaster. As the hours go by, the tension rises more and more, making it unbearable to wait. As the hours pass, there comes a moment when the tension seems to lessen with a hand, a breath, rising from beneath the ruins. 

You are asleep. He is coming. First, you feel his breath, his inhaling and exhaling sound with cruelty and violence.  He is hungry, and he is coming. If he really is, there is no turning back. He would not give up. He comes to you like a nightmare in the middle of your sleep. You try to find consolation in waking up and finding that it has all ended, but your bed has begun to tremble.

Once your child in the next room cries out loud, asking for help, you realize this is not a nightmare. And that is the moment when your conscience fades out with extreme fear and panic.  

The building both trembles and bounces, with each coup coming from below. The earthquake seems to be talking to you in each and every hit; ''Haven’t you torn down yet? Haven’t you? Haven’t you? Fall apart! Tear down! Divide!”

Despair turns into surrender, and you end up expecting to confront your sound of destiny. In the meantime, you hear the sound of the buildings tearing and people screaming.

This long period of waiting, although lasting only a few seconds, will end up with the answer whether your life will be blessed or you will die like everybody else. Until that very moment, there is still hope; but once the collapse begins, the nightmare turns into doomsday.

This is the day, you begin to think. Anxieties appear on your mind, and sure of your own death, you fear what will come next. That anxiety shifts to one for your children, one for your wife, one for your parents in tiniest seconds. It even ends up in your thinking whether you will come across the formerly deceased once you die.

And once a person finds oneself stuck among concrete ruins, and once he/she begins to hear panic screams asking for help, this is the moment one realizes this is not the doomsday. This is a complete tragedy. Without the knowledge whether his/her family’s safe, one cannot find any relief, seeing that this is not the end of the world. He/she is about to say, “I wish it were the doomsday.” That is because right after the doomsday, there would be no pain, and no injuries at all. There would be no life. Now, however, the life that has been “blessed”, will live on with all the ruins that are irreparable. 

IF YOU ARE ANGRY INSIDE

For one reason or another, in the aftermath of my angry moments, my body gets tired as much as my soul does. Getting tired or wearing itself out: name it as you like it. We need to wear ourselves out, let ourselves grow old, so that new ones come along.

How high is the number of living creatures in the form of humans, disguised as humans, who are eager to be in this spotlight. They are unaware of the fact that being on stage makes you lose your human virtues and turns you into a monkey existing solely to amuse humans. Still, all the creatures who have been unable to analyze their essential nature, are sacrificed under that very spotlight.

Anger does not derive from our nature or existence, but from our eagerness to exist. What leads to anger is the deficiencies that result from the desire to realize oneself, being not happy with one’s present existence. It is a feeling produced by those who have not yet reached themselves, or who felt scared when faced with the self they have reached. If you have anger inside, you have your reasons to let yourself go. But you should know that you cannot be the one who will let yourself go, not in this life, or in any life to come.

Through the layers of the soul, the path of discovery has no end. When your sins, which you have formerly considered to be saplings, appear on your path in the form of huge plane trees, you will see that not even a small ant may find space on their shade.

How painful it is, to face the smallness of the enormous.  Cruelty does not only address the others. In fact, we are the ones who become the greatest victims of our own cruelty. Could we have lied to a single other person in the universe, as much as we have lied to our own selves? 

Writing means vomiting

In fact, I am not one of those who make great effort to sit down and write. The only thing is, maybe my perfectionism is what keeps me away from writing continuously. When the muses are finally here, they inspire a total of three or four statements to make.

Honestly speaking, I am one of those who regard writing as some sort of vomiting. One may need to vomit if and only if he/she has overeaten or in the case of actual physical sickness. If viewed as a form of spiritual vomiting, for one person to indulge in the act of writing in the actual sense of the term, that person needs to have had a higher level of experience than it is necessary or ordinary, or that very person needs to have some kind of emotional schizophrenia .

You must be leading the lives you are not actually leading, in order to let your pen pour them down on the paper.  You must be able to be in everyone’s shoes, take hold of everyone’s spirit, with a really fast pace, even crosswise.

Writing is the time of your life when you have the chance to come face to face with and talk to the other personalities inside you. These are the only real moments when you get rid of your masks. 

WHOEVER YOU ARE

Pleasure and fear. These two emotions are the ones that trigger our decisions, which are either made deliberately or impulsively. This means that if you are about to take action concerning any issue, your action will eventually result in getting pleasure from what you are doing, or relieving the fear inside and getting rid of it at the end of it all. 

Therefore, in case someone around me treats me or another person in a way that I cannot figure out, I try to answer the question whether there is pleasure or fear underneath that sort of behavior. If that person exhibits such unfavorable behavior due to a certain fear, I give them a chance and may try to understand.  Sometimes my friends ask me how I can be so understanding despite the negative behavior I have encountered. They lack the ability to see that person’s fears lying underneath. For me, it is unfavorable to punish a person who actually fears.

However, in case there exists a sort of pleasure underneath that sort of behavior, and in case some people are harmed by this, that person “must be terminated immediately”: you may leave them where they are and exclude them from your personal life. The wall they view as transparent turns into one that is solid concrete.

Do you know what really intrigues me? In primitive societies, people could easily treat others badly, or give them harm by oppressing them just for the sake of pleasure. However, in today’s world, whoever oppresses others mostly do this due to their fears. Now, shall we feel happy because humankind have gotten rid of its sadistic tendencies or lament the fact that it has tumbled into a life led in herds, without any self confidence at all?

This issue is deeper than it seems, so I will be discussing it in more detail in the long run. Let us face our fears, for there is no one amongst us who does not have any. Whoever you are.